I have finally found the space I so desperately needed. How did I forget that it existed and it was so easy to access? How did I miss that it was endless and its door was mediation? Thankfully I have remembered and made note of its whereabouts in the hope never to have to struggle so hard to find the door again.

Two whole days of sunshine...thinner tights, redders checks and less make up. Its strange how much changes when the sun comes out to play. As much as I do not want to be ruled by the weather, some days it wins...S.A.D. Today it has certainly won, my heart, my mind and my outlook. The sunshine has pumped me full of hope, dreams and possiblities. The thought that days of fun, filled and adventure are ahead.... that possiblities, that at the moment are outside my realm and grasp are awaiting to be explored, fills me with little tiny dizzy butterflys. And i let out little shouts of whoops whoops and woo hoos and breathe deeply in that wonderful contemptment. Hurray for sunshine.

Today i really want to speak to you, because you would know and understand and believe in me. You would calm my fear, anger and hurt... you would remind me of hope and simplicity...but i am not allowed to speak to you, i wonder if i will ever be allowed to speak to you again?

Today my big brother took my hand and walked me into the throne room of the Lord most high. There he sat with me and prayed the prayers i could not whisper and spoke the words i could not shout. Through his selfless act he brought me precious space, space to breathe, space...before the next tidal wave comes crashing, drenching my sorrow filled, weary body. Thank you so very much.

A toast

To toast with mariate, froffy hot chocolate, autumn leaves, dancing bags, wind and rain, blue sky and summer haze. To free speech and spinning, franic praise and quiet relection. To music that expresses every emotion in my tiny body. To eyes that can see, ears that listen hard to story woven of old. To months of sticking to weight watchers. To looking even staring at people when they cant see. To over hearing conversations of love and hope. To watching the wings of love take flight, to weddings, fiary lights and glow in the dark stars. To bbq and singing all day. To being silly, serious and intense, to laughing until you sob. To good friends, to those who you have shared your heart with you, to places you love. To weeping willows, mojo the dog, bananas, ice cream and chocolate sources. To getting really messy. To making everything sparkly. To the sea that wispers, to pretty shells. To film that makes you cry for days and days and for friends who cry more than you. To late night telephone conversations. To intimacy. To education and learning. To late nights, lie ins and even on that odd occasion an early morning. To the beauty of variey in culture, rythmn and life. To singleness. To relationships. To little girls wanting to be princesses. To big girls knowing their worth, wealth and beauty. To men who can cry. To men who know their heart and are willing to follow it. To men who are secure in their indenity to release women into theirs. To a mum, dad, brother, aunts, uncles and cousians. To the amazing gift of life, breathing, experience joy, peace, passion and pain. To a God that overwelms with me with his endless love and mercy that makes me tingle. To a God who loves me and has allowed me to be free. To a God that made life. To God...

Little and Often

So much to say...what a wonderful, emotion filled, thought provoking day i have had. Oh i dont know where to begin...God is so amazing for so many reason - this year i have so much peace and i think its because crazily, i am trying to throw myself out of the boat and start walking on the water and even through its only one leg and one arm that dangling over the side of the boat touching the water. I know that God is seeing the effort and blessing me - COME ON.

So basically i am a little nomadic at the mo ( although i own too much stuff and am far to materialistic to really be nomadic?). My contract on my house finished on Suday and i didnt feel that it was right to get a contract for another house so have 2 offers of two months stay at peoples houses and then we shall see where i will be taken. And then working 2 days a week after my work with Pointed Arrow finished at the end of Dec. I felt God said that i would get the money that i would have got for working for Pointed Arrow each month. And he is so faithful - January money was an overdue pay cheque - Febuary money will be my tax return - COME ON...do not worry about tomorrow (March) because tomorrow is another day.

SO to try and get back to my amazing day today. As i am only working 2 days a week i am filling the rest of my time with volunteer work. Today i had training to work at a night shelter for reguees and asylum seekers - please note for the first time in ages i feel alive, feeling like this is what i am meant to be doing. As i sat there today and wept as i learnt about the horror that is faced by people trying to gain asylum in this country - i realised that there was something that i could do - please Jesus allow me to serve these people. This evening i watched broke back mountain and again weeped with angry and hurt for those who have been discriminated against for their sexuality. And now i am so raw with emotion i can not sleep only write and pray...

There is so much that is wrong and so many people that need help that for a long time i have felt over whelmed by the emortity of it. Unable to pass the feeling of powerlessness i have not be able to serve and help in the way that i should. A lady in our training today said that if we focused on all that is out there it would destroy us, so in fact we can only focus on the little that we can do...

The little that we can do is actually a lot i have started to realise - if God is in everything, every conversation, ever place, ever space then surely i need to start enknowledging him in those places...whether that is being nice to the rude bus driver rather than getting annoyed with him or taking time out for the homeless man that asks for change (funny really that the word for a small amount of money is change...change)! Little and often i reckon...

Roots and Wings

Something incrediable werid is happening...i am back in my birth place Staines: today i have managed to enroll back to my dentist to get emergancy treatment on massive hole in tooth - hurray for white fillings! and am now currently sitting in Staines libary with renewed libary card mmmm going back to Leeds on the 11th but it seems that i am re-establishing my roots??

2006 seems to be the year for the fufilling of past dreams...i for one am very exicited but on a personal level it seems that i am re entering the city of Leeds in a similar way that i did two years ago...questions over housing and jobs - all up in the air as they were when i first came to the city? Jesus what are you doing?

I hope for you that you are reminded of dreams and desire of prevous years. And that 2006 is full of HOPE for you.

Adventure..

I am loving blogging - it always takes me a little while to get into this computor business just been on the page of a guy in america who is exploring church that i got to by visiting a friend of a friend and then clicking on a catorgy...love it.

Life is strange at the moment - really good, concerned that excitment and beauty of Christmas are hiding all the things that i have to consider in the new year - feel like they are going to hit me like a big wet fish in January.

I did not get the job that i wanted so much - i did a really bad interview - been trying to work out what my philosphy is on the subjecy whether God gave me the opportunity and i messed it up or whether in fact God got another plan - i know God always has another way - i know that he is faithful and good but actually in fact did i mess up the opportunity of an amazing job?

God is so good in the middle of January i am meant to be moving into a friend of a friends flat to house sit until they sell it - i was moving in on my own which being extreme extragvent was terrorffing but today talking to one of my most precious friends she said that she needs somewhere to stay for a month...hurray. Its amazing because i knew i was doing the right thing moving in i had complete peace and that is often the way i find with God that he only gives me a bit and i just have to trust and it all seems like maddness like moving to Leeds with no house or job but it turns out beautifully in the end.

Been thinking about adventure - started to read a Christian book - sorry to the 2% of the population that are Christian but i hate them ... i can never get past the first chapter this coming from the girl that can eat a book every two weeks ( which if i could read faster i would try a book a week) because there so dull and they repeat and repeat and then repeat everything - i often find that you only need to read the first chapter to grasp the context - sorry i will stop being so bitter. Anyway so i read the first chapter of this book about how to be a women...and it was saying how actually all we want ( a little unfair - it said other things too...but you know what you be you) is men to let us in on there adventures...mmm WHAT - God been speaking to me about how every single day is an adventure that you never get to repeat the same time and there is alway new and exiciting things that can happen...3 years ago i never would have thought i would be living in Leeds and here i am. For me 2006 is about adventure and being a single lady with no man to lead me into adventure it looks like i am going to have to find my own!!

Butterfly Kisses and Christmas Wishes to you all :)